ruiner.

okay, so first let me say that my music collection is pretty diverse. i have over 5000 mp3's on my computer, and it grows constantly. i know most of you have more than that (damn nerds), but i still feel i have a substantial collection. granted, a large portion of that is every nine inch nails song ever, every elliott smith song ever (including EVERY b-side and rarity, and live performances), etc.

a lot of the music i listen to, other than the above mentioned, is female vocalist stuff. this consists of 98% indie music, and some trip hop. i love female vocalists. not the poppy stuff, but the COOL stuff, you know? especially le tigre. i guess this comes from my past in choir through junior high and part of high school.

so here's some stuff i've been listening to lately, with lyrics.

jenny owen youngs - "fuck was i"

Love grows in me like a tumor,
parasites bent on devouring its host.
I'm developing my sense of humor,
till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,
till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesnt get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love plows through me like a dozer,
I've got more give than a bale of hay,
and there's always a big mess left over.
What did you do?
What did you say?

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation,
maybe I'll be the special one that doesnt get burned.
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love tears me up like a demon.
Opens the wounds and fills them with lead,
and I'm having some trouble just breathing.
If we werent such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead

Oh it's so embarrasing
I'm this awkward and uncomprable thing,
and I'm running out of places to hide

regina spektor - "hotel song"

Come in, come in
Come into my world I've got to show
Show show you
Come into my bed
I've got to know
Know know you

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my fool
Will never be my fool

Floaters in my eyes
Wake up in an hotel room
Cigarettes and lies
I am a child, it's too soon

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my fool
Will never be my fool

A little bag of cocaine
A little bag of cocaine
So who's the girl wearing my dress
I figured out her number
Inside a paper napkin
But I don't know her address I wade downstairs

The porter smiles to me a smile
I've bought
With a couple of gold coins
A sign that I've been caught

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my dear
Will never be my dear, dear friend
Dear dear friend, dear dear friend...

A little bag of cocaine
A little bag of cocaine
So who's the girl wearing my dress
I figured out her number
Inside a paper napkin
But I don't know her address

Come in, come in
Come into my world I've got to show
Show show you
Come into my bed
I've got to know
Know know you

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my dear
Will never be my dear, dear friend
Dear dear friend, dear dear friend...

regina spektor - "that time"

Hey remember the time when I found a human tooth down on Delancey
Hey remember that time we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth
Hey remember that time when my favorite colors were pink and green
Hey remember that month when I only ate boxes of tangerines
So cheap and juicy, tangerines

Hey remember that time when I would only read Shakespeare
Hey remember that other time when I would only read the backs of cereal boxes
Hey remember that time I tried to save a pigeon with a broken wing
A street cat got him by morning and I had to bury pieces of his body in my building's playground
I thought I was going to be sick, I thought I was going to be sick

Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Parliaments
Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Marlboros
Hey remember that time when I would only smoke Camels
Hey remember that time when I was broke
I didn't care I just bummed from my friends
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum...

Hey remember that time when you od'ed
Hey remember that other time when you od'ed for the second time
Well in the waiting room while waiting for news of you I hallucinated I could read your mind
And I was on a lot of shit too but what I saw, man, I tell you it was freaky, freaky

regina spektor - "your honor"

I kissed your lips and I tasted blood
I asked you what happened and you said, There'd been a fight.
You said I've been fighting for your honor but you wouldn't understand
I said hold on your honor I'll get ice for your hand

Oh you been fighting for my honor and I don't understand
But hold on your honor I'll get ice for your hand.

You said come on baby let's just make love it's the only thing to make me better
You said come on let's just get you out of that sweater
I said I don't kiss losers and I don't kiss winners
And I don't fight for honor cause we all are born sinners

Gargle with peroxide a steak for your eye
But I'm a vegetarian so it's a frozen pizza pie
You tell me that you care and you never do lie
And you fight for my honor but I just don't know why

Mary had a little lamb with fleece as white as snow
You've got me and I'm just a common ho
But I know what I am and I know what I ain't
So don't get cut cause I still won't be no saint

Gargle with peroxide a steak for your eye
but I'm a pizzatarian so it's a frozen pizza pie
You tell me that you love me and you never do lie
and you fight for my honor but I just don't know why
You fight for my honor and I don't understand
but hold on your honor I'll get ice for your hand

1. even though the ass-rapers of childhood, platinum dunes, are "re-imagining", or whatever fucking word you want to use for it, friday the 13th and a nightmare on elm street-- i can take comfort in this: the director of both is marcus nispel. did anyone see the texas chainsaw massacre remake? yeah, it was bad. someone from team michael bay still needs to explain to me how it is humanly possible for jessica fucking biel to cut off leatherface's arm when he's holding a chainsaw....but did you see texas chainsaw massacre: the beginning????

it was good. it was pretty damn good. it had the good parts of the bay remake (of which there were few), but it was well written, had better actors, and the best part was: NO JESSICA BIEL. score! so you like tcm: the beginning? the director of that film was first time movie director marcus nispel (previously famous for music video work). he nailed that shit, nukka.

well, he's directing both the nightmare and friday the 13th reboots. and the writers? the same guys that did freddy vs. jason (that goalie was fucking pissed!). i think they are probably the most suited for this work, to be honest. jason x was wayyyy too corny (srsly. enough with sending jason around the world. is he carmen fucking sandiego? jason in space! jason takes manhattan!--manhattan would've rocked had they gotten the muppets involved. no?)....freddy vs. jason was a perfect blend of the old school cheese we loved in the movies back in the 80's, and the scare and gore factor was definitely satisfactory.

so platinum dunes isn't totally ruining my life, i guess, but we'll see.

2. SAW V! fuck yes. that's all i need to say. oh, and the fact that the trap at the end of the film was based on a drawing by the director's 7 year old son. that's pretty sweet. and the video game is coming out soon. charlie clouser did the music for it, and the original writers came back and wrote the script for it.

3. the best news of the day:

Poster

i got my money back from the bank! SCORE!

life is good.

(side note: my egg donor had my 9 year old brother call me a little while ago from her cell phone. it was nice to talk to him...didn't really care to speak to her and have my day ruined all over again.)

AHMET ZAPPA AND WEINSTEINS TO MAKE FRAGGLE MOVIE!

yeah, you totally just read that correctly.

I AM FUCKING PSYCHED. thank god they got to this before michael bay and platinum dunes, the ass rapers of childhoods everywhere.

and i notice this isn't just happening around me with people i'm close to, it's happening to a lot of people. and it fucking sucks.

okay. so here goes. i'm going to try and make this brief, seeing as i am at work, and i don't want to bawl my friggin' eyes out in front of everyone. i've only told ONE coworker, and i'd rather not tell anyone else, lest they feel bad for me and i feel like i'm being pacified all day.

when i was a kid, i was really close to my family in nashville. i visited every year, sometimes twice a year. i was also close to my biological mother's(henceforth referred to as "egg donor" mom (henceforth referred to as joyce), and stayed with her quite frequently since she lived close by to me in florida.

my favorite relatives in nashville were always joyce's parents, my great grandparents, mema and papa. as i got older, around 12 years old, the visits stopped. i don't know why. maybe it's because my great aunt raised my egg donor, and thought that once i went through the whole puberty thing, i'd turn into her...and my egg donor's behavior was a direct reflection of her own mother, joyce. so there's that.

anyway. i loved mema and papa. and i could go into lots of wonderful stories...but just know, that i loved them dearly, and they loved me equally, if not more.

when i was 13, my papa died. i was at this horrible church singing camp (my mom is from a primitive baptist family, and yes, the religion is really called primitive baptist, it makes fun of itself for you!) when i found out. we didn't have the money to send me up to tennessee, since we had just spent our money on going to this church camp. naturally, we asked our church if we could borrow the money. we were members, we didn't see why it would be a problem....well, they denied us the money. they said it was for "members in need only". so apparently i wasn't in need.

after that, my great aunt and joyce asked me what i would want to happen, should anything happen to mema. i told them that i wanted to know. immediately. end of story.

over the years, i've rarely talked to my great aunt, as she's revealed herself for the debutante bitch i should've always known she was, but i guess when you're a kid, you don't see those things in people as much. joyce came back in to my life briefly, as i know i've mentioned her before, paying for my college, rent, bills, etc., and then ripping it all out from under me about 6 months later with little explanation. basically, she's delusional. she thinks she's right about everything, she plays the uber victim constantly. she marries wealthy and is catered to. it's just sort of ridiculous to think i come from these people, or that my mema and papa spawned them.

my egg donor has been in and out of my life, usually once every couple of years, or once a year, she'll call me, and tell me she misses and loves me, how sorry she is for fucking up my life, etc. she left me with dad when i was 2, and i never really knew her after that other than a random visit once a year or once every couple of years. she says she's sorry, but you can really only hear that so many times before it rings false. i have 2 half brothers. both from different dads. they live with her. i never get to talk to them because of her. everytime i talk to her, i swear i won't do it again. and by now, the ball is in her court. i'm tired of trying. i've given up. i'm the child in this equation...why should i continue to do all the heavy lifting? and this is why i know she doesn't give a fuck.

on top of all of this, i haven't spoken with my mema since i was 18. this is also the last year that she sent me any cards or anything. every time after that, when i would ask for a mailing address or a phone number from the only people that had that information (egg donor, joyce, great aunt), they told me she was doing fine would switch the subject immediately. this happened EVERY time. of course i would get more info out of the egg donor, more details, but never a way to call or write her. never. which only made me wonder a couple of things:

1. why?
2. and what were they telling her about me???

so on mother's day, i tell dad i've been wanting to call the egg donor ONLY to get some info on mema, since i haven't spoken to her since my uncle died last summer and i called to let her know, since she was friends with him once upon a time. dad says i should call if i really want to know, since that's the only way i'd find anything out.

i call her yesterday. mema has been dead since december. no one told me. she acted like i should've known. she said she was supposed to call me, but forgot. she's been "too busy". joyce was in the hospital right before mema died. she had some lung cancer removed and lost half of her lung. i really want to say that her cancer was karma royally kicking her ass. egg donor said they were all too busy with joyce's cancer. then she launched into some story about how she's back with her ex husband and he's treating her like shit and she doesn't have a job again and blah blah....and all i can think is, this woman just told me great grandmother died 5 fucking months ago, and i'm trying to process that, and she's just going on and on about joyce and herself, and their problems and how much life sucks for them.

so there it is. my mema has been dead for 5 months. not one of these assholes thought to call me. well, they did, but they didn't actually do it. i'm upset, but i'm also pissed at them for all of this. i'm trying to move past the being pissed off at these people part, so i can move on to grieving....but it's a weird mix of both right now that's just making desperately need something to numb me out.

that whole side of my family could fall off the earth and i wouldn't notice, much less would i care. but mema and papa were special to me.

dad says that in the next couple of months, he wants to fly favre and i up to tennessee for a few days so i can visit their graves and say the goodbyes i didn't get to say. he said he'd pay for us to rent a car and pay for the hotel and everything. i love my dad.

my grandmother (dad's mom) called me yesterday, too. she told me how much she loves and misses me, and told me that mema loved me a lot. she said she didn't know which one of them thought i was prettier and smarter: her or mema. ha.

so yeah. this went on way longer than i wanted it to. i'm just really upset. i wish i wasn't at work today. i'm getting that panic attack-y feeling. i had to take some excedrin migraine, and i hope that helps. the sound of the phone ringing constantly, people talking and talking and talking...everything is just annoying and abrasive to me right now.

i'm about to make a run for it and smoke a cigarette. i really need one, and i don't think i can wait 2 and a half hours.

my new obsession: weeds.

how have i not watched this show until now????? i just bought seasons 1 and 2, and even favre loves it. it's hard to get him to like most things on tv, but he really loves this show.

i bought a cute new pair of jeans. and for once, i bought my size. well, actually a size bigger.

here is what i hate, and i think my ladies on here will totally relate (and maybe some of the guys will, too):

• i hate wearing in new jeans. when you buy a pair of jeans that actually fit, but they are still a little tight, and you have to wear them in. this usually involves me bending over a lot, taking them off and putting them on without unbuttoning or unzipping them, wiggling and stretching a lot....it's a pain to get them to that comfy place, you know? where they're just right.
• i hate that your size is not always your size in every brand or at every store. i bought a pair of jeans that were nearly two sizes too big for me from dickies. then i go to old navy, and i have to buy them in the same size as the dickies for them to fit right. not loose, not too tight, but right (of course, see above, b/c i am wearing them in right now). i hate that at one place, i wear a smaller size than somewhere else. this bothers me. what happened to universal sizing? for reals.

blehhhh to wearing jeans in. it suuucks. but they'll be super comfy and cute in a couple of days, i suppose.

mondays suck, as usual. i was pretty busy this morning, but naturally, now that i plowed through my load of work, i'm left with nothing. i think i might go home and watch juno today. i finally bought it. i loved it too much to not.

this morning, i stopped by the gas station to grab some gas and tea, and my total came out to $7.47. i paid with a 10, and i guess i didn't notice it until after i left, but the guy gave me 12 bucks and some change back. i got paid to buy stuff. i feel kind of bad, but i guess the evil in me is pretty happy about it. i know, i sound like a horrible thief. but being someone who worked in a gas station, i know for a fact that the manager doesn't give a shit if the register is short unless it's like, 20 bucks or more. that's when they raise an eyebrow.

mother's day was all right. went to mom and dad's. brought anna lee, our cute dog that used to be mom and dad's until their other dog (daphne) started instigating fights with anna lee, asserting "dominance" or whatever. and these weren't just little fights, these were all-out brawls ending in blood shed. yeah.

i bought my mom this cute little necklace for mom's day. she was pretty happy. then we went to wal-mart and bought swimsuits for me, her, and favre. i got this really cute one with a little skirt on it and the top is halter style, with a silver ring in between my boobage. it's very pin-up style, surprising find at wal-mart. with my oversized sunglasses on, i was feelin' pretty darn cute.

we lounged around in the pool and hot tub all day, and i got some serious laundry done. i also helped mom make fajita dinner. dad and i cleaned up the mess after.

my parents also got this new printer/fax/scanner thing, so they gave us their old printer, which prints photos on photo paper!!! i'm suuuuper happy about that, let me tell you. i have some pictures that i'd love to print out and frame (note: perhaps get a wedding style frame and put the picture of me and seth rogen in it??? lmao), and favre and i have been talking about doing pics for mom and dad, since they have no recent ones of me, and they'd also like some of favre and i.

a little later, before we left, the dogs were on mom's lap, and daphne got jealous, so she started a fight with anna lee. when they get into it, which hasn't happened since before we took anna lee home some months ago, it's just this giant, fast blur of dog. anna lee got cut under the pad on the bottom of her foot pretty bad. it's a bit deep, but not very long at all. she's limping a bit, but it seemed to stop bleeding by the time we got home last night. i think she'll be okay. she's really playing it up though and taking advantage of me carrying her around and feeling sorry for her. :) she needs a bath, too, cos she's getting smelly.

dog owners: what's a REALLY good dog shampoo that keeps your dog from stinking, say, if you wash them once a week? also: i bought her those doggy breath mint treats. she loves them, but they don't do crap for her breath. srsly. her breath smells like fart and tuna. it's just wrong. tooth brushing? favre suggested one of those rope toys since it's supposed to clean her mouth, but i don't see that helping...i'm sort of lost here. if i'm going to have her living inside, she needs to smell nice and be all pampered and shit.

today i have to go home and fold the laundry i did last night, take the guest room bedding in and put it back on the bed....and make dinner. not looking forward to this stuff. boo housework!