the year of death.

and i notice this isn't just happening around me with people i'm close to, it's happening to a lot of people. and it fucking sucks.

okay. so here goes. i'm going to try and make this brief, seeing as i am at work, and i don't want to bawl my friggin' eyes out in front of everyone. i've only told ONE coworker, and i'd rather not tell anyone else, lest they feel bad for me and i feel like i'm being pacified all day.

when i was a kid, i was really close to my family in nashville. i visited every year, sometimes twice a year. i was also close to my biological mother's(henceforth referred to as "egg donor" mom (henceforth referred to as joyce), and stayed with her quite frequently since she lived close by to me in florida.

my favorite relatives in nashville were always joyce's parents, my great grandparents, mema and papa. as i got older, around 12 years old, the visits stopped. i don't know why. maybe it's because my great aunt raised my egg donor, and thought that once i went through the whole puberty thing, i'd turn into her...and my egg donor's behavior was a direct reflection of her own mother, joyce. so there's that.

anyway. i loved mema and papa. and i could go into lots of wonderful stories...but just know, that i loved them dearly, and they loved me equally, if not more.

when i was 13, my papa died. i was at this horrible church singing camp (my mom is from a primitive baptist family, and yes, the religion is really called primitive baptist, it makes fun of itself for you!) when i found out. we didn't have the money to send me up to tennessee, since we had just spent our money on going to this church camp. naturally, we asked our church if we could borrow the money. we were members, we didn't see why it would be a problem....well, they denied us the money. they said it was for "members in need only". so apparently i wasn't in need.

after that, my great aunt and joyce asked me what i would want to happen, should anything happen to mema. i told them that i wanted to know. immediately. end of story.

over the years, i've rarely talked to my great aunt, as she's revealed herself for the debutante bitch i should've always known she was, but i guess when you're a kid, you don't see those things in people as much. joyce came back in to my life briefly, as i know i've mentioned her before, paying for my college, rent, bills, etc., and then ripping it all out from under me about 6 months later with little explanation. basically, she's delusional. she thinks she's right about everything, she plays the uber victim constantly. she marries wealthy and is catered to. it's just sort of ridiculous to think i come from these people, or that my mema and papa spawned them.

my egg donor has been in and out of my life, usually once every couple of years, or once a year, she'll call me, and tell me she misses and loves me, how sorry she is for fucking up my life, etc. she left me with dad when i was 2, and i never really knew her after that other than a random visit once a year or once every couple of years. she says she's sorry, but you can really only hear that so many times before it rings false. i have 2 half brothers. both from different dads. they live with her. i never get to talk to them because of her. everytime i talk to her, i swear i won't do it again. and by now, the ball is in her court. i'm tired of trying. i've given up. i'm the child in this equation...why should i continue to do all the heavy lifting? and this is why i know she doesn't give a fuck.

on top of all of this, i haven't spoken with my mema since i was 18. this is also the last year that she sent me any cards or anything. every time after that, when i would ask for a mailing address or a phone number from the only people that had that information (egg donor, joyce, great aunt), they told me she was doing fine would switch the subject immediately. this happened EVERY time. of course i would get more info out of the egg donor, more details, but never a way to call or write her. never. which only made me wonder a couple of things:

1. why?
2. and what were they telling her about me???

so on mother's day, i tell dad i've been wanting to call the egg donor ONLY to get some info on mema, since i haven't spoken to her since my uncle died last summer and i called to let her know, since she was friends with him once upon a time. dad says i should call if i really want to know, since that's the only way i'd find anything out.

i call her yesterday. mema has been dead since december. no one told me. she acted like i should've known. she said she was supposed to call me, but forgot. she's been "too busy". joyce was in the hospital right before mema died. she had some lung cancer removed and lost half of her lung. i really want to say that her cancer was karma royally kicking her ass. egg donor said they were all too busy with joyce's cancer. then she launched into some story about how she's back with her ex husband and he's treating her like shit and she doesn't have a job again and blah blah....and all i can think is, this woman just told me great grandmother died 5 fucking months ago, and i'm trying to process that, and she's just going on and on about joyce and herself, and their problems and how much life sucks for them.

so there it is. my mema has been dead for 5 months. not one of these assholes thought to call me. well, they did, but they didn't actually do it. i'm upset, but i'm also pissed at them for all of this. i'm trying to move past the being pissed off at these people part, so i can move on to grieving....but it's a weird mix of both right now that's just making desperately need something to numb me out.

that whole side of my family could fall off the earth and i wouldn't notice, much less would i care. but mema and papa were special to me.

dad says that in the next couple of months, he wants to fly favre and i up to tennessee for a few days so i can visit their graves and say the goodbyes i didn't get to say. he said he'd pay for us to rent a car and pay for the hotel and everything. i love my dad.

my grandmother (dad's mom) called me yesterday, too. she told me how much she loves and misses me, and told me that mema loved me a lot. she said she didn't know which one of them thought i was prettier and smarter: her or mema. ha.

so yeah. this went on way longer than i wanted it to. i'm just really upset. i wish i wasn't at work today. i'm getting that panic attack-y feeling. i had to take some excedrin migraine, and i hope that helps. the sound of the phone ringing constantly, people talking and talking and talking...everything is just annoying and abrasive to me right now.

i'm about to make a run for it and smoke a cigarette. i really need one, and i don't think i can wait 2 and a half hours.